Whiskey Lullaby
by Sparkleish
Summary: This is kind of AU. Sirius didn't die. Neither did Remus. This is set after the war is over. Songfic, Oneshot. Song is called Whiskey Lullaby. Sirius was never loyal. RemusxSirius


This is basically just me feeling sappy at night, and deciding to write something strange. I was listening to 'Whiskey Lullaby' by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss and this was what popped into my head. Strange. Anyway, hope you enjoy and please review

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the song, Whiskey Lullaby.

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Remus:

He broke my heart. I _loved_ him! I loved him so damn much! He said he loved me too, and I believed him because I wanted to. I knew, deep down, that he didn't but it felt so _good_ to think that he loved me! I thought if I pretended enough it would come true somehow. How could I have been so naïve?

_H__e put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette_

It was a terrible day when I walked in on him. I think that was the day I gave up. I think that was the day when he realised what I was to him. I think that was the day that I realised that I loved him even more then I thought I did.

She was lying next to him, both of them deep in slumber. They looked so peaceful. His arms were wrapped around her, holding her close. Like he had once held _me_ close. Not for a long time, but once he loved me like that. Or did he? Was I just a quick shag to him? Did he _ever_ love me like I loved him?

I never forgot that betrayal.

_H__e broke his hear. He spent his whole life tryin' to forget._

I left. My heart hurt ever more. I felt like I was going to die. I had no-one to turn to. My home was gone. I had nowhere to live. I shook. I had panic attacks. I had nervous breakdowns. But one thing that no-one ever saw me do was cry.

I never cried. Not once. Tears were so meaningless with this kind of pain. Not once did I let a single tear leak from my eyes, and not once did I ever ask anyone for help. The only thing that ever let my true self out was the alcohol.

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time_

Every night I would try to drown myself. I tried to force him out of my mind, hoping to force myself into unconsciousness so I wouldn't have to think about him. It was the only way I could sleep. I had lied in my bed for three days trying to sleep, and not once had dreams taken me. I wish they had. In my dreams, I could pretend that everything that had happened had been a terrible dream. The thing was, the alcohol didn't work.

I never forgot him.

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time  
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind_

I would see him. See him in the crowd. I would see him come towards me, gently wrap his arms around my waist and kiss me. He would hold me, love me like he had never done before. I would wake up the next morning in his arms, and for just a split second I would be happy. I could think, for one brief second, that he had taken me home and we were in love again.

And then I opened my eyes and saw the sleaze next to me instead.

It took me three years to finally break.

_Until the night …_

For once, I wasn't drunk. I wasn't lying on some unknown person's bed, letting them have complete control over me, thinking that it was the person who I loved. I was in my own home, my hands shaking as I wrote. I had tried so many times to get the words I needed out, but nothing came. There was just one sentence on that piece of paper but somehow … That was enough.

'Tell him I'll love him 'til I die.'

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger,  
And finally drank away his memory.  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.  
We found him with his face down in the pillow,  
With a note that said I'll love him till I die.  
And when we buried him beneath the willow  
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby._

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Sirius:

His funeral … It killed me. I stayed away from everyone else, the people who had loved him for years. Me … I was here because Remus loved me. He stayed loving me, despite what I did. I wouldn't have known this if it wasn't for that note. I've got in clutched in my hand now as I stare at his grave, watching everyone else drift away.

I feel like such a traitor. I shouldn't be here. I can feel cold stares on the back of my neck, but they make no difference to me. Why should I care what they think? I'm already tearing myself to pieces. It doesn't make any difference if they do it too. I bet some of them wish they really could tear me apart. I wished they would as well.

I cheated on him. I slept with anyone who fell for my good looks and flirtatious ways. I knew the name of every pub and strip club in town, and knew the women behind the bar in each one. But, oh God, I loved him. I know that doesn't make any sense. If I loved him so much, why did I cheat?

Even I don't know the answer.

I think … I think I was scared. I was scared that Remus didn't love me as much as I loved him. So I tried to find someone who _would_ love me. Two sets of loves would surely equal my own?

Oh God, this is my entire fault.

_The rumors flew but nobody know how much he blamed himself_

The pubs and clubs became my home. Every night I would sit, drowning myself in as much alcohol as my body could take without passing out. Hell, sometimes I _did_ pass out. But really? It was so much better then facing reality. Accepting that Remus was gone? Accepting that he was never coming back? Accepting that it was my fault? I couldn't do any of them. I hated myself for it.

Every night I would get drunk. I don't know for how long. Days blur into weeks, and weeks become months and I don't even know how. Somehow everything became the same, and I couldn't discern a year from a second. For all I know, I could have been an old man. I daren't look at myself in the mirror any more. I was killing myself, and I knew it. But it was so much easier.

I was a coward.

_For years and years he tried to hide the whiskey on his breath  
He finally drank his pain away a little at a time_

He was everywhere. I saw him in the bars, in the alleys when I stumbled home at night, in my own bedroom. I called out for him every time, but he never came any nearer. I ran towards him, begging to be forgiven, and he disappeared. Every time that happened, my heart broke just that little bit more. Every time he disappeared, I could have sworn I saw the look in his eyes. The look in his eyes that said he was disappointed. Ashamed.

I hated that look.

And no matter how much I drank, I always saw him.

Eventually, I gave up. The alcohol wasn't enough anymore.

_But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind  
Until the night …_

I hadn't looked at his photo in years. I saw him looking up at me, smiling. It's everyone. All the Marauders, and all the people any of us cared about. There weren't a lot. There was me, my arm wrapped around Remus. I keep kissing his cheek, and he keeps blushing. There's James, his arm wrapped around Lily. She's rolling her eyes at him as he tries to seduce her, but I know she likes it. Peter is standing on his own at the front, but he looks happy. I know that Peter wasn't ever going to find the love the rest of us had. He didn't seem to want it either. Whatever any of the others thought of him, Wormtail was never a bad person. He just wasn't as brave as the rest of us.

Correction. He wasn't as brave as the rest of them. I'm a complete coward. Peter could out-brave me any day of the week.

I look to another picture, one of just Remus. He's smiling up at me, older now. He's just hit 20 I suppose. The whole catastrophe with Lily and James hadn't happened yet. None of us had to grow up yet. We were still just as childish as the first day we had stepped through Hogwarts doors. Why couldn't we have stayed like that? Why couldn't we stay the Marauders forever? Why did Voldemort ever have to tear us all apart?

I can't take this any more.

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away his memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees  
We found him with her face down in the pillow  
Clinging to his picture for dear life  
We laid him next to him beneath the willow  
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

In the cold grasp of death they met. They saw each other, and no words were passed as they fell into each others arms. Neither of them had ever believed in the afterlife, but now they were so glad of it. They were glad to be able to make things right again. To prove that things could be sorted out. Their hands intertwined, fingers melding with one another.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They both meant it. More then they had ever done before.

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So? What did you think? Good, bad, terrible? Please tell me. I care what you think, whether you think I should stop writing altogether, how I should get better, or is it fine? Please review, I'll love you forever


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